Some years ago, I held a plant-wide meeting to announce layoffs. I had never needed to tell hundreds of people that some of their jobs were in jeopardy. I had never needed to deflect questions until after the individuals affected were notified. I had never needed to give an unsatisfying response like “I’m not sure if this round of layoffs will be our last” that raised more questions than it answered.

Afterward, I asked the company’s CEO (he had flown in for the meeting, but at my request didn’t participate) for feedback.

“How did I do?” I asked.

“Not bad,” he said, patting my shoulder. “You did the best you could in a difficult situation.”

I was disappointed in him. Not because he didn’t say “great,” but because I really wanted to learn from the experience. I wanted to know what I should have said, and what I shouldn’t have said. What questions he thought I might face the next time, if there was a next time, and how I could be prepared.

I also felt I hadn’t done badly, but I wanted him to help me learn how to handle a similar situation with as much honesty, empathy, and professionalism as possible.

Later, I realized I should have been disappointed in myself.

Because I had asked for feedback, instead of advice.

Feedback versus advice 

When you request feedback — when I asked, “How did I do?” — research says what you get is usually too fluffy, vague, and sugarcoated be of any value.

The key is to ask for advice; for example, “What could I do differently?”

According to a Harvard Business School working paper, compared with asking for feedback, asking for advice resulted in respondents providing 34 percent more areas for improvement and 56 percent more specific ways to improve. 

According to the researchers:

Why is asking for advice more effective than asking for feedback? As it turns out, feedback is often associated with evaluation. At school, we receive feedback with letter grades. When we enter the workforce, we receive feedback with our performance evaluations. Because of this link between feedback and evaluation, when people are asked to provide feedback, they often focus on judging others’ performance; they think more about how others performed in the past.
This makes it harder to imagine someone’s future and possibly better performance. As a result, feedback givers end up providing less critical and actionable input.
In contrast, when asked to provide advice, people focus less on evaluation and more on possible future actions. Whereas the past is unchangeable, the future is full of possibilities. So, if you ask someone for advice, they will be more likely to think forward to future opportunities to improve rather than backward to the things you have done, which you can no longer change.

In non-researcher-speak, asking for feedback — asking, “How did I do?” — is like asking for a grade.

Think about the last time someone asked you for feedback, especially if it wasn’t your job to provide that person with feedback, and consider the emotions you felt. You likely felt uncomfortable. You probably cringed, inside. The last thing you probably wanted to do was hurt that person’s feelings.

On the flip side, it’s easy to tell someone what they could try to do next time. Think about the last time someone asked you for advice, and consider the emotions you felt. You surely felt flattered: The person asking implicitly believed you have experience, talent, knowledge, etc. they do not.

Being asked for feedback almost always feels uncomfortable. Being asked for advice almost always feels good.

That makes asking for advice not just the more effective approach, but the emotionally intelligent approach as well: Asking for advice you’re much more likely to hear what you need to hear, and not what the other person thinks you want to hear. (Or that they’re comfortable saying.)

As the researchers write:

Despite its prevalence, asking for feedback is often an ineffective strategy for promoting growth and learning … because when givers focus too much on evaluating past actions, they fail to provide tangible recommendations for future ones.

How can we overcome this barrier? By asking our peers, clients, colleagues, and bosses for advice instead.

Try it. Don’t ask, “How did I do?” Ask, “What could I do differently?” Ask, “What would you do in this situation?” Ask, “How would you approach this, if you were me?”

Ask for advice, because you’re much more likely to get the input you really need. 

And the person you ask gets something of value as well. They get to feel respected. They get to feel trusted. They get to make a difference in your life, however small, which always feels good.

Ask for advice, not feedback, and you both win.